Don’t Give Up Just Because You Mess Up

I’ve been trying to lose weight since I was in the third grade. That’s 20 straight years of me focusing on my weight and how it needed to go.

I have grown so much over the years and feel that every day I am more and more prepared and capable of living a healthy and happy life.

I’ve messed up countless times. I had lost 80 pounds, only to gain 90 back in less than 2 years’ time. I’ve lost the same 10 lbs AT LEAST 20 times (seriously). Through all my failures, it would have been easy to give up. If I can’t figure something out in 20 years, then I’m never going to, right?

WRONG.

I don’t have all the answers (not even close!), but I do know that I deserve to be healthy and happy and that I’m the only one who can give that to myself. I have fallen countless times, but I get back up every single time. I am constantly learning new things about me. I’m learning to push myself. I’m learning that I am in control of what I say, do, eat, drink, etc. Me. Not anyone else. Something within me refuses to just give up forever, refuses to resign to the fact that I will be obese all my life.

Have I wanted to give up? Yes, of course, I have had those defeating thoughts, and sometimes I’ve gone a few days, weeks, months feeling weak and like a failure. But even then, in the back of my mind, I knew I had to find a way to accomplish my goals.

 

It’s not about how fast you get to the finish line. It’s about learning how incredible and strong and capable and beautiful you are on the journey, right now.

 

Don’t give up because you keep messing up.

If something doesn’t work, try it again, and if it doesn’t work again, try tackling the problem from a different angle. You owe it to yourself to keep going. Don’t deny yourself the freedom and joy that come with realizing how strong you really are. You can do this.

reFocus. Every. Single. Day.

Why do I complicate things for myself? I don’t understand me. Like at all.

I just want to be able to commit to something and give it my everything. But I always fall short. I literally can’t commit to anything for more than a day it seems. Keeping my room clean, staying in touch with people I love, blogging, prepping meals, running, losing weight ….

Ugh. Losing weight. That’s the worst one.

Even when I do actually do well for a few weeks, I get complacent and almost completely undo everything I worked so hard for.

Whyyyyyyyyyyy?

This struggle is real. I’m convinced I will never struggle with anything else as much as I will struggle with my own self.

I was thinking today how I need to refocus again. I’ve been thinking this a few days now, actually. Yesterday I decided today would be the day that I just start all over. Today would be the day to refocus again.

And then I realized one of the problems. I need to refocus every single day. I need to recommit every day. I need to remind myself why I am doing this.

Every. Single. Day.

Hyping it up on Day One isn’t going to be good enough for Day Twenty-One. Shoot, it’s not even going to be good enough for Day Two.

I compared myself to my car today. I always let the gas get down to around 10 miles until empty. I don’t know why. But I do. One time I did this on a road trip and we just barely made it to a gas station. Remember that, Ben? Hahahaha…. okay maybe it’s not funny. Definitely not then…… Maybe a little funny now?

But anyway. I do the same with my tablet. And my phone. I let it almost die before I recharge it.

And while that may semi-work for a car, tablet, or phone, that does not and will never work for me.

I am not a machine.

if I wait until I am empty, until I’ve completely lost focus and passion and stamina, then I’m just going to be dying refueling/recharging over and over again. I’m never going to progress. I’m going to lose the same 5, 10, 20…90 pounds over and over! And yes, I’m working on losing the same 90 pounds again.

So because I’m so tired of annoying myself and trying to make Day One’s energy last me for days at a time until I peter out and undo it all, I’m going to try to refocus every day.

I want to remind myself why I am doing this.

So why am I doing this?

1. I want to be healthy. Not just “good-enough” healthy, but really healthy. I don’t want my own neglect to be the reason I find myself with some disease or complication now or later in life. I already have enough going against me. Why add to the problem?

2. I want to stop hiding behind insecurities, fears, and assumptions. I once made a list of almost 100 things I didn’t do because of my weight. I don’t want my body to limit anything I think I can or cannot do.

3. I want to keep my promise of losing weight and being healthy. I owe it to myself, and I’ve punished myself entirely too long.

But overall… I want to lose weight because I want to be happy.

And I’m not going to be truly happy until I am healthy, until I stop hiding, and until I fulfill my promise. I’m not going to be fully happy until I can look deep inside my soul and know that I really did give everything that I had.

So my game plan?

1. reFOCUS every day. Remind myself why I’m doing this. Remember what’s at stake if I don’t.

2. Eat and drink properly.

3. Move efficiently and often.

That’s all. That’s as detailed of a plan as I have. I’m not going to waste my time drawing out some elaborate workout plan and to-do list. I’m just going to do it.

I know that I’m worth it. I even know that I can do it. I just have to refocus. Every. Single. Day.

I would love to know what you do to stay focused. 🙂

May Goals….

April turned out decent. At one point, I had lost 8 pounds, but by the end of the month it was only 5. But a loss is a loss, right?

My body is definitely changing from all the running, yoga, and butt/leg exercises I’ve been doing.

And I’ve been drinking a little more water, though I really need to step it up with this one!

In April I started doing something each day that makes me happy, and I must say overall it’s making me generally more happy. It’s nice to focus on me and what I enjoy doing, even if it is just for a few minutes a day.

So my goals for May?

1. Seriously get this water thing down! Must. Drink. More.

2. Begin incorporating 4-mile runs into my schedule at least twice a week.

3. Continue doing something every single day that makes me happy.

4. Get my room organized. It’s a mess, and the boxes of papers and piles of clothing are driving me crazy!

I’m hoping to lose 12 pounds this month, so we’ll see. That would get me back to where I was in August before I gained almost 20 pounds back (yikes!)….

Running Away the Clouds

Today is cold and windy and cloudy. I contemplated not going for my run because the conditions weren’t right. And then I realized that was just a bit silly.

If I wait for conditions to always be right, I’m never going to get anywhere — not just in running but in all areas of my life.

Not every day is going to be beautiful and sunny and happy and wonderful, and I have to be okay with that. I have to adjust and still get things done.

It’s easy for me to find excuses as to why I didn’t do this or that, but I’m happy I’m realizing these now.

I’m happy I made myself run. I ran for 32 minutes. It was a hard run (and not the best time for the distance) because it was colder than I liked, and it was really windy, and it happened to start raining half way through. But I completed it.

The minute hard times come, I can’t just give in or fall back. I’m learning how to fight; I’m learning how to push through my fears, excuses, and insecurities.

Life is really hard right now for me. It’s tempting to consider just giving up, but it makes much more sense to continue eating, sleeping, and exercising good because it helps with stress and mood levels among other things. Those things I can control.

Fighting against my insecurities, excuses, and fears makes me stronger, not weaker. 

Funny thing is, after I finished my run, I was sitting on the porch listening to the birds singing. And the clouds parted and the sun poked through. The wind calmed down, and the raining stopped.

In that moment I needed to see that and feel that. What I didn’t need today was to run in the warm sunshine because that’s not teaching me anything. And I want to learn. 

Change is Good!

I’m getting stronger. Not just physically but mentally. I don’t know exactly what it is, but I can feel myself changing a little.

Examples?
*I haven’t been finishing my meals if I’m satisfied before the food is gone. I’m pretty sure I’ve never done this before!
*I’m consistently exercising and pushing myself. And I’m willing to even push myself more. I’m trying to not settle for good enough.
*I haven’t been sneaking food or eating all the time.
*When I’m feeling discouraged, I remind myself why I’m doing this and why I need to keep going.

Losing weight is hard work, but I’m finding that as my head gets back in the game and stays there, it’s much more manageable. I know that I can do this. Just have to keep focusing!

Exercising is a Gift, not a Punishment

I don’t want to view exercise as a punishment because it’s not. I think that is primarily how I view it. “Oh, I ate a doughnut. I better go run that off.” While exercise obviously helps negate the extra calories, I don’t think you should exercise “just because” you ate something bad.

I want exercise to be about taking care of my body, about knowing my body and how it works, about loving myself, about confidence. Exercise is not a punishment. It’s a gift, something I can do for myself to reap all kinds of benefits. Exercise is worth it. I’m worth it.

If I view exercise as a punishment, I’m going to dread it even more. Because after all, who wants to be punished?

Anyway, just a thought I had while running today!

My weight is being so stubborn, and I let it discourage me and derail me for two days, but that’s not going to solve anything! Thankfully it was just a two-day sulk and not a two month one. I went for my 1.2 mile run today. I completed it in 14 minutes 7 seconds… 8 seconds faster than my best… so yay!

Yesterday I ran 2.4 miles, and I think I’m going to start running 2.4 a day from now on. I can do the 1.2 “easily” (not really, but my lungs can handle it so I can do more!).

Today I’m going to run another lap, do some toning exercises, and a bit of yoga!

Good news is that while the scale is barely moving, my butt is beginning to lift some already so that is super exciting to be able to notice a small difference in just a few weeks.

Whoever you are, wherever you are… just keep going. Do what makes you happy and do what keeps you healthy. You are worth it all. 🙂

Running Time is Getting Better!

My vacation ends tomorrow morning. I’m somewhat ready to go back to work, though it has been wonderful having these days off. I lost 5 pounds in 10 days. I really hope I can keep this momentum up!

I haven’t been meeting my goal of blogging every day, but I am meeting all of my other goals, so I’m okay with that. I’ve been active 30 minutes every day (at least). Not all intense activity, but active nonetheless. I’ve been eating good. My water intake could still be better. And I have been doing something that makes me happy every single day.

And honestly? I just feel so much better. Things are still stressful, and there’s still a lot of “unknowns” going on right now, but I just feel better. I feel more like myself. I feel more in control. And that is a very good thing!

My running time is improving as well, which is awesome! I can now run a mile in 10 minutes 56 seconds! So I’m thinking I can easily meet my goal of running a mile in under 10 minutes. I just have to keep going. My time for route around my house is 13 minutes 41 seconds. Just a few weeks ago it was 16 minutes 26 seconds.

I just need to remember (on days like today where I think I look extra fat!) that what I am doing is working. That I am making progress. That I can and AM doing this!

I can do this.

I’ve been working on decreasing my time and increasing my endurance for running. By gosh by golly I think I am getting better! April 1st when I started running again, it took me 16 min 26 sec to run 1.2 miles. Today it took me 14 min 15 sec!

I’m not sure if my body is just getting better, or if my mind is getting better and I’m learning to ignore my negative thoughts. I suppose a combo of both. But either way, I must keep improving!

I can do this. If I can stay out of my head long enough, I know I can get this done.

By the end of the summer, I want to be able to run this same route (1.2 miles) in under 10 minutes. That’s my long term goal for running. Here soon, I’m going to begin running longer distances again, but for now, I’m just trying to focus on this specific route. I’ve also been doing 10-15 minutes of intense elliptical after each run, too.

And I got a good deal on online yoga classes for 6 months, so I will be incorporating that into my workouts some, too.

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this!

Just Checking In

Working out is easier when I’m on vacation and have no where I have to go. I’m thankful for this first week to kick-start it all, but I’m nervous about how I’ll do next week when I go back to work. I’ll figure it out though. I just have to stay focused. FOCUS!

Onward, I Go…

I’ve got a lot on my mind these days. It’s easy to get overwhelmed and want to give up on everything. But I’m trying with all my might to stay positive and focused and to try and make the best decisions for my life. It’s so hard sometimes to know whether or not what I am doing will be worth it.

That’s why my focus can’t be a number. My focus can’t be how I’m going to look in a bathing suit. I can only focus on doing what makes my body healthier, stronger, and happier. And quite honestly, my entire being is happier and stronger and healthier when I’m giving it the proper nutrition and physically pushing myself to reach new goals. I need to remember that.

Remember that, Laura.

Sometimes I feel as if I know myself well. I can be honest with myself regarding my feelings and thoughts and actions. Other times I find myself pausing, quietly searching for me, for my purpose. Sometimes I just feel lost.

This morning, I’m really struggling. I want certain things in my life to be a certain way, and I just don’t know if I’m ever going to make it. I don’t feel strong enough. I don’t feel smart enough. I don’t know what I’m doing.

And that makes me want to just quit. It makes me want to forget about my goals and my search for happiness. But I can’t. Something within me just won’t let me give up entirely. Somehow I’ve got to figure this out. I’ve got to trust that I can do this. I’ve got to believe that this is going to work, that my life isn’t just wasting away, that I’m not just going to waste away.

Growing up, I always envisioned my life a little differently than how it’s turned out so far. I always dreamed about losing weight (since I was 6 years old), and I always dreamed about making a noticeable difference in the lives of others, and I always dreamed about being in love and being married, knowing that I had found that one person to share everything with, knowing that I would be happy and secure.

My problem is that I always DREAMED and never ACTED.

I feel like I’m just guessing at life. I suppose that’s in some way got to be normal. I just need to have confidence and enough faith in myself and enough faith in God to know that no matter what happens I’m going to be okay, that no matter what happens I’m going to be okay, that no matter what happens…I’m. Going. To. Be. Okay.

Here goes nothing… or everything, I suppose.

So there’s my woe-is-me post for the day.

Just getting this off my chest makes me feel a bit better. It also helps to feel the sun shining on me through the window and to hear the birds singing outside.

I’ve just got to stay focused! I’m done wallowing for the day. Things may be intense right now for me, but I’ve got good things going on, too. I just need to let them happen and get out of my own way!

Four days into the month, and I’ve eaten good each day. I’ve also gone for a run each day. And I’ve done something that makes me happy each day. Yesterday I didn’t post a blog, but I have 3 out of the 4 days, so I’m okay with that. I’ve even lost 2.5 pounds. Overall, I am proud of myself for these last few days.

I know that I can turn all of this around. Even now I feel renewed a bit… it’s slight, but I can feel it.

I’m just going to fight this and move forward, because if I give in, that means I go backwards. And going backwards means I’m even further from my goals. And I refuse to do that this time.

Onward, I go.