Tag Archives: fat

reFocus. Every. Single. Day.

Why do I complicate things for myself? I don’t understand me. Like at all.

I just want to be able to commit to something and give it my everything. But I always fall short. I literally can’t commit to anything for more than a day it seems. Keeping my room clean, staying in touch with people I love, blogging, prepping meals, running, losing weight ….

Ugh. Losing weight. That’s the worst one.

Even when I do actually do well for a few weeks, I get complacent and almost completely undo everything I worked so hard for.

Whyyyyyyyyyyy?

This struggle is real. I’m convinced I will never struggle with anything else as much as I will struggle with my own self.

I was thinking today how I need to refocus again. I’ve been thinking this a few days now, actually. Yesterday I decided today would be the day that I just start all over. Today would be the day to refocus again.

And then I realized one of the problems. I need to refocus every single day. I need to recommit every day. I need to remind myself why I am doing this.

Every. Single. Day.

Hyping it up on Day One isn’t going to be good enough for Day Twenty-One. Shoot, it’s not even going to be good enough for Day Two.

I compared myself to my car today. I always let the gas get down to around 10 miles until empty. I don’t know why. But I do. One time I did this on a road trip and we just barely made it to a gas station. Remember that, Ben? Hahahaha…. okay maybe it’s not funny. Definitely not then…… Maybe a little funny now?

But anyway. I do the same with my tablet. And my phone. I let it almost die before I recharge it.

And while that may semi-work for a car, tablet, or phone, that does not and will never work for me.

I am not a machine.

if I wait until I am empty, until I’ve completely lost focus and passion and stamina, then I’m just going to be dying refueling/recharging over and over again. I’m never going to progress. I’m going to lose the same 5, 10, 20…90 pounds over and over! And yes, I’m working on losing the same 90 pounds again.

So because I’m so tired of annoying myself and trying to make Day One’s energy last me for days at a time until I peter out and undo it all, I’m going to try to refocus every day.

I want to remind myself why I am doing this.

So why am I doing this?

1. I want to be healthy. Not just “good-enough” healthy, but really healthy. I don’t want my own neglect to be the reason I find myself with some disease or complication now or later in life. I already have enough going against me. Why add to the problem?

2. I want to stop hiding behind insecurities, fears, and assumptions. I once made a list of almost 100 things I didn’t do because of my weight. I don’t want my body to limit anything I think I can or cannot do.

3. I want to keep my promise of losing weight and being healthy. I owe it to myself, and I’ve punished myself entirely too long.

But overall… I want to lose weight because I want to be happy.

And I’m not going to be truly happy until I am healthy, until I stop hiding, and until I fulfill my promise. I’m not going to be fully happy until I can look deep inside my soul and know that I really did give everything that I had.

So my game plan?

1. reFOCUS every day. Remind myself why I’m doing this. Remember what’s at stake if I don’t.

2. Eat and drink properly.

3. Move efficiently and often.

That’s all. That’s as detailed of a plan as I have. I’m not going to waste my time drawing out some elaborate workout plan and to-do list. I’m just going to do it.

I know that I’m worth it. I even know that I can do it. I just have to refocus. Every. Single. Day.

I would love to know what you do to stay focused. 🙂


Running Time is Getting Better!

My vacation ends tomorrow morning. I’m somewhat ready to go back to work, though it has been wonderful having these days off. I lost 5 pounds in 10 days. I really hope I can keep this momentum up!

I haven’t been meeting my goal of blogging every day, but I am meeting all of my other goals, so I’m okay with that. I’ve been active 30 minutes every day (at least). Not all intense activity, but active nonetheless. I’ve been eating good. My water intake could still be better. And I have been doing something that makes me happy every single day.

And honestly? I just feel so much better. Things are still stressful, and there’s still a lot of “unknowns” going on right now, but I just feel better. I feel more like myself. I feel more in control. And that is a very good thing!

My running time is improving as well, which is awesome! I can now run a mile in 10 minutes 56 seconds! So I’m thinking I can easily meet my goal of running a mile in under 10 minutes. I just have to keep going. My time for route around my house is 13 minutes 41 seconds. Just a few weeks ago it was 16 minutes 26 seconds.

I just need to remember (on days like today where I think I look extra fat!) that what I am doing is working. That I am making progress. That I can and AM doing this!


a second chance (for the 1,593,247,217th time)

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Hello to my friends in the Blog World!  It’s been awhile, 2 1/2 months, so I guess a LONG WHILE.  My last post was about how terribly I was slacking, and unfortunately I just continued to slack throughout the holidays and into the new year.  I’m up more than 10 pounds, and I’m ready to lose them again, as well as more this time.

I wish this wasn’t so hard for me to do, but it just seems like it’s always going to be a daily struggle of mine.  But I will keep going.  I will keep trying.  Someday I WILL get this right!  I’m just trying to constantly remind myself that I don’t have to get everything perfectly right all at once.  I should be happy as long as I’m progressing…

So now I just need to make some type of progress.  I suppose writing this post is a progress all on its own.

I have dreams for my life.  I have goals for this year.  I’m just ready to finally be the woman I want to be, the woman I know I am deep inside somewhere.  I’m going to make progress this year.  I’ve wasted so much of my time, energy, money, and tears.

Blogging is therapeutic for me because it forces me to pause for at least a moment to write down my thoughts, feelings, and ideas.  I need to do this more, even if just for me.


Jiggles are a good thing!

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I saw this on Pinterest and it made me smile.  When I first started working out with Ben, I would always get so discouraged because all of my fat jiggled so much.  I would want to quit because I didn’t want to feel it (or hear it… those thighs can make loud slapping noises sometimes!).  I would use it as a reminder that I was fat.

But he always told me to use it as motivation, that every time I felt the jiggle to remember that it’s the fat coming off of me.

I still jiggle, but I can tell it’s a little less jiggling now.  And then it will be less… and less… and less….

So don’t worry about the jiggle.  Making it jiggle is going to make it disappear a lot faster!


Being Fat Makes Me Do Stupid Things…

All my life I’ve had too much fat on my body, and all my life I’ve allowed that to significantly influence almost every decision I’ve made. When I was a teenager, I made a list of things I don’t do because of my weight.  I came up with 80 different things.

80!

Over the years I’ve slowly been crossing some of the items off the list–either because I now do it or because I realized how stupid it was for it to ever be on there in the first place.

Some examples…

I wouldn’t…

jump on trampolines with my friends, swim or go to the beach, sit in lawn chairs because I was afraid I would break them or get stuck…

I couldn’t…

sit on the ground because I didn’t want people watching me try to get up, run or do any kind of physical activity…

I didn’t…

go to a single dance at school (not even prom), have a boyfriend, date…

I didn’t…

wear tank tops, bathing suits, shorts, or even capris.  I used to never wear dresses.

And I know how ridiculous that sounds.

But I created and believed these lies that I couldn’t do these things because of my fat.   But things are changing.

Now, I wear dresses all the time, and I love them.  I love them even more, I think, because they symbolize that I’m making progress.  That I’m learning to stop being so hard on myself.  That maybe, just maybe, my fatness doesn’t have to define who I am anymore.  Just because I have fat doesn’t mean I’m not beautiful or deserving.  And that is such a freeing feeling.

It’s important to mention that I never really held anyone else up to the standards I had for myself, which should have been a hint to me that many of the things on my list were completely irrational and unnecessary and disrespectful.

I’m tired of disrespecting myself.

But nevertheless, I limited myself, and it crippled me.

I’m tired of being crippled, especially by my own hands.

I still have a list of things I don’t do because of my weight, but it’s getting much smaller, and I’m looking forward to continue the process of crossing them off one by one.

It’s time I stop allowing my fat to cripple me.  It’s time I stop making excuses and just go for what I want and deserve in life.

What are some things you’ve denied yourself because you felt like you didn’t deserve them?  How did you overcome it?  I’d love for you to share your thoughts, struggles, success stories with me.

Laura.


Playing Hide-and-Seek with Motivation

Anyone who knows me knows how it’s hard for me stay motivated in any area of my life.  I have some theories as to why I can be so unmotivated sometimes, but in the end, all the theories are simply thought-out excuses.

Excuses.

I really don’t know why I’m so lazy.  I just know that I am lazy, and right now, that’s all I think I need to know.  Well, that and how to stop being so lazy.

These last few weeks I’ve switched gears in how I lose weight.  Looking back, the only time I ever lost weight (around 70 pounds so far) was when Ben was helping me.  I apparently can’t really do it on my own.  I need that outside motivation to help me because while I do want to be healthy and lose weight, I just can’t seem to do it on my own just yet.

I’ve lost weight this week, which is so exciting, and it’s because he is helping me.  He set up a plan for me — what to eat, when to eat, how to exercise, etc — and it’s working!  And the only time it doesn’t work is when I get in the way.

So far, he has exercised with me, which is really helpful because he keeps me going and tells me when I’m doing good and when I need to push harder.

Today I was on my own.  And I sucked.  I did considerably worse, and I could not figure out how to motivate myself to go harder.  This is a problem.  I absolutely have to figure out how to motivate myself.  For the time being, I’m going to have to rely on his motivation to keep me going, but I’m just hoping that I can figure it out soon.

I’m so thankful that he’s helping me and that he cares.  We all need people like that in our lives, don’t we?  Someone who is there to help you out when you just can’t seem to do it yourself.  Someone who believes in you and works through things with you.  Someone who supports but isn’t afraid to call you out on your faults and offer ways to improve.  I’m grateful.

One way or another, I’m going to find motivation from within.  It’s hiding somewhere.  Ready or not, here I come.Image


Never give up… ever…

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My weight loss is being stubborn right now.  I’ve eaten healthy this week and exercised every day, and I feel like I look fatter than I did the week before.  I hate when that happens.  I’m probably just bloated, but it still sucks to work so hard and look worse than you did when you weren’t working hard.  But I have to keep going.  I can’t use this as an excuse to give up!

I don’t know if it’s physical or mental/emotional for me, but it’s something! 

Have you ever thought you looked worse when you are trying to lose weight than when you aren’t? 

But no matter what, I’m not giving up.  Even if I don’t look better, I know that I’m feeling better and on my way to being even healthier… so it’s worth it!