Tag Archives: personal story

reFocus. Every. Single. Day.

Why do I complicate things for myself? I don’t understand me. Like at all.

I just want to be able to commit to something and give it my everything. But I always fall short. I literally can’t commit to anything for more than a day it seems. Keeping my room clean, staying in touch with people I love, blogging, prepping meals, running, losing weight ….

Ugh. Losing weight. That’s the worst one.

Even when I do actually do well for a few weeks, I get complacent and almost completely undo everything I worked so hard for.

Whyyyyyyyyyyy?

This struggle is real. I’m convinced I will never struggle with anything else as much as I will struggle with my own self.

I was thinking today how I need to refocus again. I’ve been thinking this a few days now, actually. Yesterday I decided today would be the day that I just start all over. Today would be the day to refocus again.

And then I realized one of the problems. I need to refocus every single day. I need to recommit every day. I need to remind myself why I am doing this.

Every. Single. Day.

Hyping it up on Day One isn’t going to be good enough for Day Twenty-One. Shoot, it’s not even going to be good enough for Day Two.

I compared myself to my car today. I always let the gas get down to around 10 miles until empty. I don’t know why. But I do. One time I did this on a road trip and we just barely made it to a gas station. Remember that, Ben? Hahahaha…. okay maybe it’s not funny. Definitely not then…… Maybe a little funny now?

But anyway. I do the same with my tablet. And my phone. I let it almost die before I recharge it.

And while that may semi-work for a car, tablet, or phone, that does not and will never work for me.

I am not a machine.

if I wait until I am empty, until I’ve completely lost focus and passion and stamina, then I’m just going to be dying refueling/recharging over and over again. I’m never going to progress. I’m going to lose the same 5, 10, 20…90 pounds over and over! And yes, I’m working on losing the same 90 pounds again.

So because I’m so tired of annoying myself and trying to make Day One’s energy last me for days at a time until I peter out and undo it all, I’m going to try to refocus every day.

I want to remind myself why I am doing this.

So why am I doing this?

1. I want to be healthy. Not just “good-enough” healthy, but really healthy. I don’t want my own neglect to be the reason I find myself with some disease or complication now or later in life. I already have enough going against me. Why add to the problem?

2. I want to stop hiding behind insecurities, fears, and assumptions. I once made a list of almost 100 things I didn’t do because of my weight. I don’t want my body to limit anything I think I can or cannot do.

3. I want to keep my promise of losing weight and being healthy. I owe it to myself, and I’ve punished myself entirely too long.

But overall… I want to lose weight because I want to be happy.

And I’m not going to be truly happy until I am healthy, until I stop hiding, and until I fulfill my promise. I’m not going to be fully happy until I can look deep inside my soul and know that I really did give everything that I had.

So my game plan?

1. reFOCUS every day. Remind myself why I’m doing this. Remember what’s at stake if I don’t.

2. Eat and drink properly.

3. Move efficiently and often.

That’s all. That’s as detailed of a plan as I have. I’m not going to waste my time drawing out some elaborate workout plan and to-do list. I’m just going to do it.

I know that I’m worth it. I even know that I can do it. I just have to refocus. Every. Single. Day.

I would love to know what you do to stay focused. ūüôā


Onward, I Go…

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I’ve got a lot on my mind these days. It’s easy to get overwhelmed and want to give up on everything. But I’m trying with all my might to stay positive and focused and to try and make the best decisions for my life. It’s so hard sometimes to know whether or not what I am doing will be worth it.

That’s why my focus can’t be a number. My focus can’t be how I’m going to look in a bathing suit. I can only focus on doing what makes my body healthier, stronger, and happier. And quite honestly, my entire being is happier and stronger and healthier when I’m giving it the proper nutrition and physically pushing myself to reach new goals. I need to remember that.

Remember that, Laura.

Sometimes I feel as if I know myself well. I can be honest with myself regarding my feelings and thoughts and actions. Other times I find myself pausing, quietly searching for me, for my purpose. Sometimes I just feel lost.

This morning, I’m really struggling. I want certain things in my life to be a certain way, and I just don’t know if I’m ever going to make it. I don’t feel strong enough. I don’t feel smart enough. I don’t know what I’m doing.

And that makes me want to just quit. It makes me want to forget about my goals and my search for happiness. But I can’t. Something within me just won’t let me give up entirely. Somehow I’ve got to figure this out. I’ve got to trust that I can do this. I’ve got to believe that this is going to work, that my life isn’t just wasting away, that I’m not just going to waste away.

Growing up, I always envisioned my life a little differently than how it’s turned out so far. I always dreamed about losing weight (since I was 6 years old), and I always dreamed about making a noticeable difference in the lives of others, and I always dreamed about being in love and being married, knowing that I had found that one person to share everything with, knowing that I would be happy and secure.

My problem is that I always DREAMED and never ACTED.

I feel like I’m just guessing at life. I suppose that’s in some way got to be normal. I just need to have confidence and enough faith in myself and enough faith in God to know that no matter what happens I’m going to be okay, that no matter what happens I’m going to be okay, that no matter what happens…I’m. Going. To. Be. Okay.

Here goes nothing… or everything, I suppose.

So there’s my woe-is-me post for the day.

Just getting this off my chest makes me feel a bit better. It also helps to feel the sun shining on me through the window and to hear the birds singing outside.

I’ve just got to stay focused! I’m done wallowing for the day. Things may be intense right now for me, but I’ve got good things going on, too. I just need to let them happen and get out of my own¬†way!

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Four days into the month, and I’ve eaten good each day. I’ve also gone for a run each day. And I’ve done something that makes me happy each day. Yesterday I didn’t post a blog, but I have 3 out of the 4 days, so I’m okay with that. I’ve even lost 2.5 pounds. Overall, I am proud of myself for these last few days.

I know that I can turn all of this around. Even now I feel renewed a bit… it’s slight, but I can feel it.

I’m just going to fight this and move forward, because if I give in, that means I go backwards. And going backwards means I’m even further from my goals. And I refuse to do that this time.

Onward, I go.


A Look Inside My Heart

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September has gone by way too quickly, but that’s okay. I don’t care much for September anyway.

But I am looking forward to October. I think I’m happiest and most hopeful in October. I don’t even know if that makes sense, but it just seems like all is right in my world in the month of October.

I adore the Fall. I love everything about it: the colorful, falling leaves; pumpkin patches and apple orchards; the cool mornings; sweaters and jeans and boots; bon fires and hot apple cider and hot tea. Everything is just perfect in October.

Anyway. My September goals haven’t gone so great. It takes me awhile to get into a new routine, and I think I’m almost there. ¬†I’ve lost some weight, which is always good. ¬†I’m going in the right direction. ¬†Like always, I’m just taking my sweet time getting there. ¬†Maybe that’s just me. ¬†Sometimes I think it’s good to take your time. ¬†Slow and steady wins the race, right? ¬†But I’m thinking I could still be slow and steady, but just do it a little bit faster!

I’m feeling more and more prepared and ready to make this a permanent life style. ¬†I want to be the type of person who looks forward to waking up early to go for a run. ¬†I want to feel proud of myself for working hard and accomplishing things I never thought I could. ¬†I want to be able to wear whatever I want and feel confident and beautiful in anything or nothing.

I want to live my life knowing that I’ve done everything I could to make it a life worth living. ¬†It goes so beyond just weight loss. ¬†I don’t just want to lose the fat. ¬†I want to lose the insecurities. ¬†I want to lose everything that’s holding me back. ¬†I want to lose the fear and anxiety. ¬†I want to lose my lack of motivation. ¬†I want to live a life with no regrets. ¬†That’s what I want. ¬†It’s what I need.

I want to be happy, and I know that starts with me. ¬†No one can make me happy, at least not the happy I’m talking about. ¬†Happy isn’t even the word, really. ¬†I want to be at peace. ¬†I want to be content with who I am as a woman. ¬†I want to fully know that I am where I need to be, doing what I need to be doing.

I want to love those around me with the purest of loves. ¬†I don’t ever want someone I love to question whether or not they have my love. ¬†I want them to know within their souls that they are loved by me.

Anyway. ¬†That’s what I’m thinking about this morning. ¬†What are you thinking about? ¬†ūüôā


Ellipticals, TV, & Sore Losers

Three days in to my month-long goal of losing 30 pounds and blogging every day. ¬†So far so good. ¬†Up half a pound from yesterday, but I’m certainly not worried about it. ¬†Weight fluctuates so much, which is why sometimes I just don’t weigh myself at all. ¬†But I’ve learned to not freak out when it doesn’t move … but especially when it moves upward instead!

I’ve been logging a lot of hours on my elliptical these last few days, and with music or the TV, I’ve somehow managed to not go completely crazy. ¬†I have a feeling I’m going to burn out on just doing the elliptical. ¬†I should probably start running again, and maybe even throw in some jumping rope. ¬†I don’t want to get stuck in a rut. ¬†But the elliptical is working for now, so I’ll just let that be my main cardio for awhile.

I bought it in the winter, and I’m pretty sure it’s one of the best investments I’ve ever made. ¬†It was expensive, but it’s so worth it. ¬†Now I don’t have to spend hours in the gym. ¬†Now I just spend hours in my living room!

I’m trying to come up with ways to make exercise more fun. ¬†Here’s what I have so far:

1. Exercise with someone who will encourage and push you! ¬†Having little competitions — who can jump the rope the longest without tripping; who can shoot the most baskets; who can run around the block the fastest — is a great¬†way to push yourself and have fun at the same time. ¬†Unless that friend happens to be a sore loser. ¬†And if that’s the case, you might just want to skip the exercise buddy all together.

2. Add new music to your workout playlist. ¬†I have a few songs that I will probably never get tired of exercising to. ¬†“Purple Rain” and “When Doves Cry” by Prince are two of those. ¬†I also enjoy listening to Ed Sheeran, Gavin DeGraw, and the Avett Brothers. ¬†I will never get tired of listening to them. But I’m always switching up my playlist and adding new songs. ¬†Even if I just add one or two new songs and keep the rest of them the same, it makes it different enough to keep my interest.

3.¬†Add variety to your workout schedule.¬†Like I said earlier, I can tell I’ll get tired of the elliptical only soon. ¬†Adding running and jumping rope will help. ¬†Also, I’m going to throw in some yoga. ¬†And I’m going to find local gyms & classes to try for free or on discount. ¬†This way, I won’t be doing the same thing every day.

These are the three I’m going to focus on for now. ¬†I know there are others–many others! ¬†I’d love to hear what you do to make working out fun.

 


The Time I Almost Broke Down in the Middle of the Road…

Ben and I went for a run a few days ago. I don’t know why but sometimes I can’t seem to move my legs at all. This was one of those times.

I wanted to give up, but I didn’t. The words “I can’t do it” even crossed my lips, but I ran anyway. S … L … O … W …

Ben came up behind me and put his hand on my back, pushing me forward. I had to move faster; otherwise, I would fall. So I ran faster, and I was so amazed at how fast I was running with his help. After awhile I completely forgot he was even there. I was running as fast as I do in my dreams. And it was amazing. Do you remember how it felt to learn to ride a bike for the first time? Mom or Dad or Brother or Grandma or Whoever, finally letting go of you and the bike so you could ride on your own…

It felt like that.

I could see our house a few blocks away, and I was so excited because I was running so fast and because i was going to be done running soon.

So what does Ben do? He guides me down a different road, leading me away from the end of our run. It was hard to fight back the tears. I actually wanted to stop running and fall to the ground, kicking and screaming and pouting like a child. To make it worse, Ben let go of me and ran ahead of me. My pace slowed drastically.

Here I was just a few blocks away from my house, and I felt so lost and abandoned. How silly of me, honestly. I realized how irrational I was being and decided to run faster and just deal with it. I picked up the pace, Ben came back, and I ran my fastest home, feeling more accomplished than I probably ever have.

Because sometimes we think we know where we are going, only to find we actually have no idea. We think we have it all figured out. But life throws something at us and we have to duck or turn around or venture down a different path. We don’t always get to do things how we think they should be done.

But that’s okay. Because if we stay focused, we can still get it done.

I learned something from that run, well several somethings, really.
1. I don’t always have to know where I am going because I am strong enough and smart enough to deal with it.
2. Even when I think I can’t, I have to try anyway, because more than likely I’m going to prove myself wrong.
3. Ben wasn’t abandoning me. He was doing quite the opposite, really. He was letting me figure it out on my own so I could grow from it, deal with it. Him running ahead and leaving me behind was him supporting me. Besides, he came back less than a minute later anyway! And he encouraged me all the way home.

I’ve been trying to lose weight for 20 years now. I can’t even count how many times I have failed. But I’m finally getting somewhere. This time it is different, and I couldn’t be more excited.

Keep going after your goals and dreams.¬† Sooner or later you are going to get it right. ūüôā


Doughnuts & My Poor, Neglected Elliptical

It’s 11:30 am.¬† I’m sitting on the couch in my pajamas.¬† I can see my elliptical from the corner of my eye.¬† Unused.

It’s been a week now, and I haven’t exercised, which sucks even more considering I didn’t work much this week and actually had a huge amount of time to workout.¬† But I was lazy.

And I’ve eaten really bad this week, too.¬† Not bad enough to gain a lot of weight, but definitely bad enough to make me feel like crap.¬† I had Domino’s pizza – a medium – all by myself over the course of two meals.¬† Granted, it didn’t have cheese on it, but still.¬† And I had 2 cream sodas, which I never really drink.¬† And I also had a 10inch hoagie (no mayo or cheese, but still).¬† And a lot of Lay’s potato chips.¬† Oh, and let’s not forget the 3 1/2 doughnuts I had in one sitting.¬† I feel so gross.

It’s so easy to do sometimes.¬† A few posts back, I was talking about how getting out of my routine ruins me.

Well, consider me ruined.

Or maybe not ruined, but almost ruined.¬† I guess I am still in control of whether or not I’m ruined.

Funny thing is, I went on a road trip last weekend, and I even wrote a post about how I was going to eat healthy.  And it worked!  I actually ate great over the weekend.  It was just the coming home part that messed me up.

Sometimes it’s easy to look at your goals and want to quit.¬† They seem so far away, and you seem so out of it.¬† But the longer you look at your goals and do nothing, the further away they become.¬† And the further away they become, the more of a failure you think you are.¬† And the more of a failure you think you are, the easier it is to give up on your goals, because after all, they just seem so far away.¬† It’s a nasty cycle.

So I have a decision to make:¬† Stay comfy in my pajamas but feel like a failure.¬† OR.¬† Get my butt up, put on some yoga pants and work up a sweat and lessen the gap between me and my far-away goals….

I choose feeling good about myself.  I choose health.  I choose sweat.  I choose strength.

And besides, my yoga pants are much more comfy than my pajamas anyway.