Tag Archives: failure

reFocus. Every. Single. Day.

Why do I complicate things for myself? I don’t understand me. Like at all.

I just want to be able to commit to something and give it my everything. But I always fall short. I literally can’t commit to anything for more than a day it seems. Keeping my room clean, staying in touch with people I love, blogging, prepping meals, running, losing weight ….

Ugh. Losing weight. That’s the worst one.

Even when I do actually do well for a few weeks, I get complacent and almost completely undo everything I worked so hard for.

Whyyyyyyyyyyy?

This struggle is real. I’m convinced I will never struggle with anything else as much as I will struggle with my own self.

I was thinking today how I need to refocus again. I’ve been thinking this a few days now, actually. Yesterday I decided today would be the day that I just start all over. Today would be the day to refocus again.

And then I realized one of the problems. I need to refocus every single day. I need to recommit every day. I need to remind myself why I am doing this.

Every. Single. Day.

Hyping it up on Day One isn’t going to be good enough for Day Twenty-One. Shoot, it’s not even going to be good enough for Day Two.

I compared myself to my car today. I always let the gas get down to around 10 miles until empty. I don’t know why. But I do. One time I did this on a road trip and we just barely made it to a gas station. Remember that, Ben? Hahahaha…. okay maybe it’s not funny. Definitely not then…… Maybe a little funny now?

But anyway. I do the same with my tablet. And my phone. I let it almost die before I recharge it.

And while that may semi-work for a car, tablet, or phone, that does not and will never work for me.

I am not a machine.

if I wait until I am empty, until I’ve completely lost focus and passion and stamina, then I’m just going to be dying refueling/recharging over and over again. I’m never going to progress. I’m going to lose the same 5, 10, 20…90 pounds over and over! And yes, I’m working on losing the same 90 pounds again.

So because I’m so tired of annoying myself and trying to make Day One’s energy last me for days at a time until I peter out and undo it all, I’m going to try to refocus every day.

I want to remind myself why I am doing this.

So why am I doing this?

1. I want to be healthy. Not just “good-enough” healthy, but really healthy. I don’t want my own neglect to be the reason I find myself with some disease or complication now or later in life. I already have enough going against me. Why add to the problem?

2. I want to stop hiding behind insecurities, fears, and assumptions. I once made a list of almost 100 things I didn’t do because of my weight. I don’t want my body to limit anything I think I can or cannot do.

3. I want to keep my promise of losing weight and being healthy. I owe it to myself, and I’ve punished myself entirely too long.

But overall… I want to lose weight because I want to be happy.

And I’m not going to be truly happy until I am healthy, until I stop hiding, and until I fulfill my promise. I’m not going to be fully happy until I can look deep inside my soul and know that I really did give everything that I had.

So my game plan?

1. reFOCUS every day. Remind myself why I’m doing this. Remember what’s at stake if I don’t.

2. Eat and drink properly.

3. Move efficiently and often.

That’s all. That’s as detailed of a plan as I have. I’m not going to waste my time drawing out some elaborate workout plan and to-do list. I’m just going to do it.

I know that I’m worth it. I even know that I can do it. I just have to refocus. Every. Single. Day.

I would love to know what you do to stay focused. 🙂


Definition of Lazy

People keep telling me to stop beating myself up, to stop putting myself down, to stop saying I’m being lazy…

They keep telling me to be kind to myself, to look at how far I’ve come, to not give up…

I agree with all those statements, and I certainly appreciate everyone’s input and concern.

You shouldn’t beat yourself up. You shouldn’t call yourself names. You should be kind to yourself. And you should not give up on your goals. I agree.

But I honestly don’t understand how me calling myself out for not getting the work done that I should’ve completed and for saying that my actions are lazy isn’t me being kind to myself. Sometimes the truth hurts. Sometimes a pat on the back and a “Good try” just doesn’t cut it. If I constantly excuse my behavior, how am I going to improve? Because if I excuse it, I’m just enabling myself to do it again. I’m not giving myself the chance to learn from it and do better.

Saying that I’m being lazy is just the truth. I’m not being mean to myself.

The definition of lazy is this: unwilling to work or use energy / characterized by lack of effort or activity / showing a lack of effort or care / slow-moving

Synonyms of lazy include: idle, slothful, negligent, inactive, sluggish, lethargic

I set a goal. I failed a goal. I realized my goal wasn’t going to work so I decided to at least finish out the goal as best as possible. But I haven’t been giving it my best. I’d been showing a lack of effort and care. So if I don’t start doing my best, I’m going to fail. The definition of to fail is this: to be unsuccessful in achieving one’s goal.

I’m not even concerned about me not meeting my ‘under 200 by September 1st’ goal. I’m concerned with the fact that I’m not trying and doing my personal best. There’s a difference. I quickly realized that losing a pound a day wasn’t going to happen. That’s not the problem here.

I think it’s time to stop with the sugar coating, honestly. I’m not being mean to myself. I’m not putting myself down.

If I tried my hardest and truly did everything I could do and still didn’t meet my goal, that’s one thing. But if I didn’t meet my goal because I chose to sit on my butt and watch TV instead or because I knowingly and willingly slacked on my healthy eating, then I have no one to blame but myself.

Yes, I know that I’m only human and that I make mistakes. Yes, I know that calling myself names isn’t healthy. But I’m not calling myself names. I’m not saying “Laura, you’re such a lazy fat-ass who hasn’t accomplished anything. You suck!”

Calling myself out on being lazy and not reaching my goals is me owning up to my mistakes and naming them so I have a better chance at not doing them again.

Me calling my actions lazy and me failing to do my best is just the truth.

Maybe you don’t like those words. Maybe they both do have negative connotations in our society. But just relying solely on the definitions of these words here, I have indeed failed because I was lazy half of the time.

To me, at least, there’s no difference in saying “I failed because I was lazy” and in saying “I didn’t reach my goal because I wasn’t active enough with my workouts and diligent enough with my healthy eating.”

They both mean the same thing to me, and they both have the same outcomes to me. The second one is more specific, but it’s just a nicer, more sugar-coated way of saying the first.

I don’t hate myself. I love me. And I am committed to losing weight and being healthy and happy, and in a lot of ways I am healthy and happy already. And I know i’m going to do it. But I’m done sugar-coating things. I will be proud of myself when I know I gave it my all, but if I don’t do my best then I’m not going to be satisfied. It’s not like I’m saying, “I’m disappointed in myself even though I tried my hardest but failed anyway because I was lazy.”

And there are certainly times I am proud of myself. I’m proud of myself today because I know I did everything I could today to be happy and healthy. I’m drinking my water, I’m eating healthy, and I let myself workout hard enough.

I’m not mad at myself. I’m not beating myself up. I just refuse to be proud of myself when I didn’t try my best. I don’t expect to be perfect. I’m not even trying to be perfect. I don’t want to be perfect.

I am a positive but realistic person, at least I try to be. I can still be positive while calling my actions lazy. Maybe others don’t see it that way? I don’t know. All I know is I understand what I’m saying, and for the first time in my life, all I want is to do my best, not to break all the records and be perfect. I just want to do my best. And that’s what I’m trying to do. But not doing my best day after day is getting tiring.

So there’s the end of my rant. I sincerely appreciate everyone’s comments and concern for me. But I am doing fine. Don’t be worried that I’m saying I’m being lazy. It’s coming from a place of love and honestly I’m just choosing to use words that society has deemed “harmful” … but I don’t take it that way.

I think we can all agree that it’s important to do your best and give it your best shot. That’s all we can do, and that’s all I’m trying to do. 🙂


Handling Setbacks

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I’m not doing as well as I would like to be doing, but I’m still moving forward.  The fact that I haven’t completely given up means at least something to me.  Maybe I’m still “failing” because I haven’t met my goals, but I’m not quitting.  I will get there.

I haven’t been as active as I should be these last few days, but I’m getting back on track now.  It’d be nice if I never had setbacks or if I at least got back on track faster after a setback, but I’m just not there yet.  I should be, but I’m not.

I’ve set hundred of goals over the years that I have failed.  It would make sense if I never believed another word that came out of my mouth regarding my weight loss, and it wouldn’t surprise me if those around me don’t believe in me.  But I’m hopeful enough to not give up on myself, because if I give up on me, then I’m done and being healthy and happy is hopeless.  I can’t do that.  I won’t do that.


Setting myself up for failure… again… again… again… again……….

I’ve posted 11 days in a row!  That’s pretty impressive.

My weight loss goal isn’t going so great.  I’m no where close to meeting my goal of being under 200 pounds by September 1st.  I’m pretty disappointed in myself, but mostly I’m honestly just trying to ignore that I’ve failed and pretend that it doesn’t matter.  But it does matter.  

Part of me just wants to finish the month well and be okay with the fact that I didn’t meet my goal… because I at least lost something, right?

But another part of me is just pissed off that I failed yet another goal.  Granted, it was a lofty goal, but I still could have and should have crushed it.

I’m just not happy with myself.  It doesn’t matter how much weight I’ve lost.  I just feel like I have a problem that goes deeper than my weight loss problem.  I continuously settle for less than what I deserve.  I hardly ever try my hardest, and when I do try my hardest, I act as if that allows me to be lazy for a few days because I earned it.  And so my hard work is fruitless.  

I’m so annoying.

Why am I so lazy and unmotivated, and why do I make countless excuses for my behaviors?  Why can’t I just change and finally accomplish something I set out to accomplish?

Anyone know how to fix me?  

Yeah, I know, I’m the only one who can do it.  I just don’t know how.