Tag Archives: loving yourself

Being Fat Makes Me Do Stupid Things…

All my life I’ve had too much fat on my body, and all my life I’ve allowed that to significantly influence almost every decision I’ve made. When I was a teenager, I made a list of things I don’t do because of my weight.  I came up with 80 different things.

80!

Over the years I’ve slowly been crossing some of the items off the list–either because I now do it or because I realized how stupid it was for it to ever be on there in the first place.

Some examples…

I wouldn’t…

jump on trampolines with my friends, swim or go to the beach, sit in lawn chairs because I was afraid I would break them or get stuck…

I couldn’t…

sit on the ground because I didn’t want people watching me try to get up, run or do any kind of physical activity…

I didn’t…

go to a single dance at school (not even prom), have a boyfriend, date…

I didn’t…

wear tank tops, bathing suits, shorts, or even capris.  I used to never wear dresses.

And I know how ridiculous that sounds.

But I created and believed these lies that I couldn’t do these things because of my fat.   But things are changing.

Now, I wear dresses all the time, and I love them.  I love them even more, I think, because they symbolize that I’m making progress.  That I’m learning to stop being so hard on myself.  That maybe, just maybe, my fatness doesn’t have to define who I am anymore.  Just because I have fat doesn’t mean I’m not beautiful or deserving.  And that is such a freeing feeling.

It’s important to mention that I never really held anyone else up to the standards I had for myself, which should have been a hint to me that many of the things on my list were completely irrational and unnecessary and disrespectful.

I’m tired of disrespecting myself.

But nevertheless, I limited myself, and it crippled me.

I’m tired of being crippled, especially by my own hands.

I still have a list of things I don’t do because of my weight, but it’s getting much smaller, and I’m looking forward to continue the process of crossing them off one by one.

It’s time I stop allowing my fat to cripple me.  It’s time I stop making excuses and just go for what I want and deserve in life.

What are some things you’ve denied yourself because you felt like you didn’t deserve them?  How did you overcome it?  I’d love for you to share your thoughts, struggles, success stories with me.

Laura.

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What I want most…

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I just realized that I’m an idiot… well, at least an idiot for what I’m about to tell you.

I struggle with denying myself sugar, fat, and and processed crap, but I have no problem denying myself happiness, health, and strength.  Why is that?

I was just thinking about how it’s so hard for me to say “No” to junk food.  Usually, one way or another, I will talk myself into eating something I have no business eating.

Then I started thinking about other areas of my life.  If I want to watch a movie, I will ignore the work I have to get done and watch the movie instead.  If I want to buy a pair of shoes, I will buy them even if I don’t need them or should be spending the money on something else.  The list goes on, really.  I’m constantly seeking things that instantly satisfy me.  Constantly.  I’m not saying I do this in all areas of my life because I don’t think I do, but I do it enough to know that it’s a problem of mine.

The problem with seeking things to satisfy you instantly is that the satisfaction instantly goes away and is gone as quickly as it came.  You’re left there with an empty plate and crumbs on your shirt and maybe some stuck between your teeth.  You’re left there a nice pair of shoes but a dent in your banking account.  You’re left there with a movie watched but even more work waiting for you.  It never ends.  It’s tiring, really.

And then I had two thoughts: 1) I don’t think I deny myself anything and 2) Holy crap, I am denying myself all of the good stuff.

I’m not sure why it took so long for me to put the two together, but I realized that when I seek pleasure NOW, I’m paying for it not only NOW but LATER as well.

I’m missing out on all the good things in life.  I’m missing out on the strength I know is inside of me.  I’m missing out on happiness.  And health.  And the satisfaction of knowing I am taking care of myself, of knowing that I’m loving myself.  Because let’s be honest, when I treat myself with disrespect (like how I called myself an idiot at the beginning…ooops…or when I eat the desserts and ruin the hard work I did) I’m not loving myself.  And if I’m not loving myself…then how can I love others…how can I do anything worth doing if I don’t even respect myself enough to say “No” to some ridiculous food so I can say “Yes” to health and happiness?

Just a thought I had today…

Anyway, I’ve worked out four days in a row on my new elliptical.  Buying it looks as if it’s going to be one of the greatest health decisions I’ve ever made.  I’m hopeful it’s going to work!  This week I am going to begin incorporating some strength training as well, and maybe I’ll even begin yoga again.

The problem has never been my exercising, though.  It all begins and ends with the food.  What I put in my mouth has always been the deciding factor on whether or not I lose weight.  I’m not doing horrible by any means.  This week I’ve eaten better than I have in a long time.  I even resisted all the sweets at the baby shower a few days ago!!  But there’s still room for improvement.

Is there anyone else out there like me?  Do you sometimes feel like you are chained to unhealthy food and sucky decisions?  What do you do to overcome it?