Sometimes I’m afraid to lose weight…

Growing up I had a huge problem with perfectionism, which is funny to me, considering I was always so overweight and my health was no where close to being perfect.

But nevertheless, when it came to anything besides my weight, I was a perfectionist.  The blankets on my bed had to be completely wrinkle-free.  When I would put my hair up in a ponytail, it had to be completely smooth with no bumps.  I would peel an orange for almost an hour to get all of the white stuff off.  I wouldn’t paint my nails because I couldn’t get them perfect and hated when they chipped.  I would spend ridiculous amounts of hours on assignments to make sure I got at least a 100%.  I would cry if I tried to ice a cake and crumbs got mixed in with the icing.  Sometimes I would even just throw it away and start all over.

I was an all-or-nothing perfectionist.  Sometimes I still am if I’m being honest.  If I couldn’t do it perfectly, I wouldn’t do it at all.  I guess that’s why I just left the weight loss thing alone – I knew I couldn’t do it, so I didn’t even try.  And if I did try and I failed one time, I would just quit.  If I didn’t have time to deep clean my room, I wouldn’t clean it at all.

The list goes on and on … really, it was ridiculous how much perfectionism & procrastination (because it had to be all or nothing) controlled my life.

In college, I began seeing a counselor.  Life seemed way too stressful, and I was beginning to freak out because nothing was going the way I thought it should be going.  We talked a lot about my weight and about my perfectionism.  It’s weird to think how I was a perfectionist, a procrastinator, and person who settled for mediocre all at once.  But if you really think about it, it actually makes sense.

I had an idea in my head of how something was to be.  If I couldn’t do it perfectly, I wouldn’t do it at all.  And if I HAD to do something and knew I wouldn’t be able to do it perfectly, I would just do it mediocre.  I was so afraid to fail that I would not even try and just let my okay be good enough.

It’s a sad way to live… knowing you can do better but being too scared to actually do better.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my perfectionism and procrastination.  In college, I think I mostly got over my perfectionism in areas of my life.  I purposely made my bed messy.  I would put up my hair using my fingers and not a brush.  I would paint my nails a bold color and let them chip and not take it for weeks.  I stopped spending the extra 10 hours on my papers when I knew I already had an A paper written.  And it worked.  It taught me to relax more and just accept things.

And I began to realize that what I thought was perfect was really just my opinion and wasn’t true perfection.  I stopped being so hard on myself.

Right now, I’m struggling with this when it comes to weight loss though.  For so long I didn’t even try to lose weight, and now that I am trying, it’s way too easy for me to get discouraged and think that my best isn’t good enough, that I’m going to fail.

Honestly, I’m scared to lose weight.  I’m scared I’m going to fail again.  I’m scared I’m going to do it wrong.  I hate feeling this way because I’ve come so far with my perfectionism and with my weight loss, and days like today make me think I’m going to fall under its grasp again.  I have thoughts like:  What’s it matter if I lose weight when I’m still going to have all the stretch marks and excess skin, etc?  Why even try to lose weight when I’m probably going to fail anyway?

I hate days like today because I know I’m not perfect.  I don’t want to be perfect, but something inside me is messing with me, telling me that I have to be all-or-nothing, and I know it’s not true.  I just want to be healthy and happy and strong and successful at life.

I know perfection isn’t attainable, so why am I so worried about it?

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13 responses to “Sometimes I’m afraid to lose weight…

  • Claire de Lune

    Thank you Laura.
    Coincidentally, I’m currently studying and in therapy discovering and processing very similar issues in my own life.
    Your journey so far is encouraging to me.
    You can do it! ♡

  • heynaturalbeauties

    I get this, when i was younger and unsure of myself my expectations of others to be perfect were ridiculous, in their behaviours and actions, even their looks. Being scared is not the end of the story nor is failure, fear is just a feeling like any other feeling. Keep working at it, don’t let fear win, if you “fail” try again, we all have that little self-saboteur in us telling us to give up and keep the status quo. Losing weight won’t make you more or less beautiful than you already are. But overcoming fear and doubt will do amazing things. I believe in you x

    http://www.heynaturalbeauties.com

  • SugarFreeSweety

    wow I feel like I´m reading my own thoughts when reading your post! I´m very scared of losing weight because I´m afraid I´ll be disappointed and my body won’t look the way it used to before I got fat.
    I´m also all or nothing type of girl. If I don’t bother handing in assignments I´m not happy with and I feel like I´ve ruined my whole diet if I cheat once (I´m actually learning to be better with the 2nd one)

    • Laura-is-Inspired

      i would say i’m happy that someone can relate, but that means you are struggling, too. so that sucks. the unknown can be scary, but i have a feeling it’s going to be worth it!! 🙂

      • SugarFreeSweety

        I hope you´re right, I´m very scared I might have lose skin in the end…I don’t want to spend my money on fixing it! (but I definitely will if that will be the case)

        • Laura-is-Inspired

          i think about that too. i think my final thought is i would rather have loose skin than extra fat. i know toning and cardio will help with the skin, but if it’s a lot of weight you need to lose, then the skin might be problem. i’m no expert by any means, but i’ve seen people lose a lot of weight and not have a lot of excess skin, and i’ve seen the opposite, too. it really seems to depend.

        • SugarFreeSweety

          extra skin sure will be much better than extra weight

  • smittenness

    This was a very interesting and honest post. Does writing it out help you? Maybe articulating your fears or narrowing them down like you have is a start. A step in the right direction. All the best to you, it’s never easy to change and I look forward to reading more of your posts

    • Laura-is-Inspired

      Writing it out does help me a lot. Just getting it out there helps me sort my thoughts. I tend to conveniently “forget” about things – it’s easy for me to not think about painful feelings/memories, and writing forces me to remember, which is really helpful. Thanks!

  • living beyond the mat

    Dear Laura, I can relate to this – I used to have a binge-eating problem and I know my struggle was more to do with fear of losing it rather than knowing how to give it up. I still occasionally fall into comfort eating, but I know I’m moving forward, bit by bit…

    A really helpful resource to me is Modern Health Monk – I’m passing this on to you in case you find some help in it: http://modernhealthmonk.com/why-is-weight-loss-and-being-healthy-so-hard-the-1-reason/

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