What I want most…


I just realized that I’m an idiot… well, at least an idiot for what I’m about to tell you.

I struggle with denying myself sugar, fat, and and processed crap, but I have no problem denying myself happiness, health, and strength.  Why is that?

I was just thinking about how it’s so hard for me to say “No” to junk food.  Usually, one way or another, I will talk myself into eating something I have no business eating.

Then I started thinking about other areas of my life.  If I want to watch a movie, I will ignore the work I have to get done and watch the movie instead.  If I want to buy a pair of shoes, I will buy them even if I don’t need them or should be spending the money on something else.  The list goes on, really.  I’m constantly seeking things that instantly satisfy me.  Constantly.  I’m not saying I do this in all areas of my life because I don’t think I do, but I do it enough to know that it’s a problem of mine.

The problem with seeking things to satisfy you instantly is that the satisfaction instantly goes away and is gone as quickly as it came.  You’re left there with an empty plate and crumbs on your shirt and maybe some stuck between your teeth.  You’re left there a nice pair of shoes but a dent in your banking account.  You’re left there with a movie watched but even more work waiting for you.  It never ends.  It’s tiring, really.

And then I had two thoughts: 1) I don’t think I deny myself anything and 2) Holy crap, I am denying myself all of the good stuff.

I’m not sure why it took so long for me to put the two together, but I realized that when I seek pleasure NOW, I’m paying for it not only NOW but LATER as well.

I’m missing out on all the good things in life.  I’m missing out on the strength I know is inside of me.  I’m missing out on happiness.  And health.  And the satisfaction of knowing I am taking care of myself, of knowing that I’m loving myself.  Because let’s be honest, when I treat myself with disrespect (like how I called myself an idiot at the beginning…ooops…or when I eat the desserts and ruin the hard work I did) I’m not loving myself.  And if I’m not loving myself…then how can I love others…how can I do anything worth doing if I don’t even respect myself enough to say “No” to some ridiculous food so I can say “Yes” to health and happiness?

Just a thought I had today…

Anyway, I’ve worked out four days in a row on my new elliptical.  Buying it looks as if it’s going to be one of the greatest health decisions I’ve ever made.  I’m hopeful it’s going to work!  This week I am going to begin incorporating some strength training as well, and maybe I’ll even begin yoga again.

The problem has never been my exercising, though.  It all begins and ends with the food.  What I put in my mouth has always been the deciding factor on whether or not I lose weight.  I’m not doing horrible by any means.  This week I’ve eaten better than I have in a long time.  I even resisted all the sweets at the baby shower a few days ago!!  But there’s still room for improvement.

Is there anyone else out there like me?  Do you sometimes feel like you are chained to unhealthy food and sucky decisions?  What do you do to overcome it?


8 responses to “What I want most…

  • Lauren

    Laura I struggle with the same thing only my instant happiness comes from shopping not food. It always has and I’m just now starting to realize it. Thanks for so eloquently saying exactly the same thing I have been thinking. I love you and good for you for working on the real issues contributing to your weight. You are so courageous and you are giving me the inspiration and courage to work on some of the issues in my own life.

    • Laura-is-Inspired

      Oh shopping… I have a bit of that problem too! I’m happy I’m inspiring you. It’s easy to see my flaws and punish myself for them, but it’s really hard to see my flaws and realize that I owe it to myself to change them. So thanks for the encouragement… it means a lot!

  • Scott Campsall

    Wow! Thanks for this. It came at an awesome time.

  • fitnesslife24

    I SO LOVE THIS POST. I totally get where you’re coming from. I use to have a major problem with will power and self control, especially with food because, I mean, food is meant to be enjoyed, but we shouldn’t take advantage of that. You know? I don’t deny myself sweets, at all because then, whenever I got my hands on some sweets, I’d over eat – too easily. Sometimes, I’ll save eating something I really want for a cheat day, which is normally Saturday or Sunday (it’s kind of like a reward for me). However, after eating clean for so long, I’ve found healthy alternatives that work just as well, and takes away the longing for sweets. *shrugs shoulders* I love this post. It takes time to build the will power, but it’s so worth it in the end.

  • living beyond the mat

    Dear Laura,

    Your posts are so heartfelt and warm… I can relate to this feeling very well. I wholeheartedly believe that we need to encourage a change in our habits more than a change in our willpower; lets face it, willpower is fleeting (I am strong one day and not so strong the next… nobody’s perfect).

    I think the real challenge is developing and sustaining healthy habits. It starts with making the initial change, and it grows into a system – so that we don’t have to rely solely on our wavering willpowers but we develop a routine that works and we make it easy and enjoyable to stick to. Not easy, but totally worth it!

    I will write about this soon… in the meantime I’m really enjoying your blog 🙂 thank you!

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